anti recipe: veggie hummus cauliflower pizza – two ways

So many of my anti-recipes start as spins on traditional dishes (like pancakes, mac n’ cheese, fried rice…) – but after I make all my WDG modifications – these recipes take on identities of their own. Hence why I call them anti recipes.

I also call them anti recipes – because you don’t have to follow every ingredient perfectly to make it delicious. I’ll always show substitution options because every body has different wants and needs – and you should never sacrifice what you need for the sake of following a recipe that was made for and by some other body.

My favorite thing to hear about isn’t people making my recipes and enjoying them – but it’s hearing about all the modifications they made to suit their own needs! It not only shows me that “recipes as rules of food creation” are meant to be broken,  but it gives me inspiration for modifications next time.

Check out the recipes below for two ways to make cauliflower pizza. I’ve tried a lot of different cauliflower pizza recipes over the last month – and this ratio is guaranteed to look and feel and taste (legal disclaimer: almost!!!!!) just like real pizza – worst dinner guests and normal dinner guests alike, rejoice!!

Cauliflower Pizza: Super Paleo & Un-Processed’ Edition

Ingredients: 3 cups cauliflower rice, 1/4 cup chia sees, 3/4-1 cup water, 1 1/2 tbs. basil, 1 1/2 tbs. oregano, 1 tsp. salt + pepper

Cauliflower Pizza: Slightly Less Paleo & More Processed, But Can Pick It Up Like Pizza’ Edition

Ingredients: 3 cups cauliflower rice, 2/3 cup chickpea or almond flour*, 1/4 cup chia sees, 3/4-1 cup water, 1 1/2 tbs. basil, 1 1/2 tbs. oregano, 1 tsp. salt + pepper

* Bob’s Red Mill garbanzo bean flour works wonders but you can also easily grind up some raw almonds in a food processor or blender for a coarser, but less processed flour. Anything that’s been hanging out in a plastic bag for months is just not as fresh and good for your bod as something fresh and unrefined or processed by you and eaten immediately. I only use bagged flours on occasion as a special treat because of this, BUT it definitely makes the pizza more pizza-y, so do you

Directions (Both Editions):

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees (F)

2. Chia eggs – mix up chia seeds + water and set aside to “goo up” for 10-15 minutes. Stir occasionally to evenly distribute the seeds

3. Make cauliflower rice – ‘Rice’ up the cauliflower in a food processor, blender (or even a cheese grater). Once the cauliflower is in tiny pieces, you need to squeeze the extra water out of it, unless you want to make stir-fry cauliflower mush tonight. There are a few ways to do this:

(a) Spread the cauliflower out on a baking sheet and blot with a paper towel

(b) Via Deliciously Ella: Put the rice into an almond milk bag or cheese cloth and squeeze all of the water into a bowl – this is WAY faster than option (a), but if you don’t have either of these tools you can still take the “scenic route” to cauliflower rice and blot it yourself

(c) Skip all this and just buy “already riced” cauliflower from Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s – more expensive but a helluva time + mess saver

4. Mix up the cauliflower rice + chia eggs + flour + seasonings. Use your hands to get everything molded together into a weird looking chia-goo batter

5. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper + olive oil. Spread the chia-goo batter onto the baking sheet – and mold into a pizza shape, no more than 1″ thick

6. Cook for 30-40 minutes until the edges and center turn golden brown. Baking time will depend on how thick your pizza is, so check frequently. But don’t take it out before it’s golden all over or your pizza slices will get crumbly, and then everyone will think I’m bluffing about how pizza-y this fake pizza is

7. Top with all the toppings + enjoy!! (Toppings + hummus sauce inspo is below)

Toppings (Both Editions):

Veggies – While the pizza is cooking, roast some thinly sliced peppers + mushrooms + onions on the baking sheet (around the pizza)

Hummus Sauce – Blend 1 can of drained chickpeas + 2 heaping tbs. tahini + 2-4 tbs. olive oil + 2 tbs. cumin + 1 tbs. paprika + salt + pepper (sometimes I add nutritional yeast to make it ‘cheesier’)

When the pizza is golden brown – top with hummus sauce + roasted veggies + kalamata olives and heat for 5 more minutes

And, wallah!! Then holler at me with all the modifications you made in the true spirit of #veganfoodshare – in’


anti recipe: chocolate chia oat pancakes

Nothing much more to today’s anti-recipe than this: I was out of almost every Christie-staple ingredient possible (See Exhibit A – Time for a trip to TJs) but really needed some Sunday AM fuel to power me through a run…and that trip to TJs.

Exhibit A:

Nothing in here WDG approved except capers and raw pickles, but that won’t go with my morning coffee.

And, so chocolate chia oat pancakes were born – and they’re delicious + super simple! Check it out below:

Ingredients: 2 c. oats (or 1 c. oats + 1 c. nuts), 1 c. water (or plant-based milk if your fridge has more than beer, condiments and a half eaten peanut butter cup in it), 1/2 c. nut butter (I used maple pecan butter, courtesy of my lady @hungryheartwellness), 1/2 tsp. baking soda, 3 tbs. chia sees, 4 heaping tbs. cacao powder, 2 tbs. maple syrup (or honey), 2 tbs. vanilla extract, 1 pinch salt, oil for frying (olive or coconut)

Directions: (1) Make chia eggs by grinding up 3 tbs. of chia seeds in a blender, then mixing with 12-15 tbs water. Set aside until the chias glue up. (2) Dry ingredients – blend the nut + oat + baking soda + cacao power + salt pinch until you have chocolate-colored flour. (3) Mix in the wet ingredients – nut butter, chia eggs, syrup – and the water. Add up to a cup of water/nut milk, but pour in small increments until you get a thick-but-gooey batter. (4) Heat up the pan with a tbs. of oil – and fry up the cakes! (5) top with maple syrup. (6) Enjoy!

Notes: This won’t look like Bisquick soupy batter and your pancakes won’t be perfectly round, but you won’t feel like shit after so winning! Also, this recipe has been tested on (1) hungover boyfriend/normal dinner guest and he appears to have eaten half of it and kept it down (I’d ask but obvi now he’s sleeping), so I bet your hungover/normal eating friends + family will love it too!

anti recipe: didn’t-have-any-shrimp fried cauliflower rice (grain-free!)

Things I don’t miss about pre-allergy life (or ‘pre-knowing about and accepting the allergies’ life)…:

(1) The stomach aches

(2) The body aches

(3) The headaches

(4) The (TMI) extreme swings between constipation and diarrhea

(5) The mood swings

(6) The bloating (face, belly, fingers, you name it)

And most of all:

(6) The selfishness (or stuck-in-my-head-ness)

Obviously, selfishness is not a physical or medically-proven symptom, but when you’re suffering from all of these symptoms almost everyday, it’s going to go to your head – All day I’m swinging between stressing out about what is happening to my body and analyzing every single thing I ate or did the day before and blaming it for how I feel today.

Then, of course, I’m also resenting every person I come across for either asking anything from me while I feel like shit or for her being able to eat anything and not feel like shit after. I’m not noticing my friend’s cute outfit or new hair do or asking about her hot date last night. I’m not engaging with my friends, telling stories or enjoying the moment. And anyone who knows me – in life or in blog – knows that I live for telling stories.

So, when people ask me how I possibly live on my diet or if I ever think it’s worth it to just eat that one piece of pizza (because it’s pizza and in America, the philosophy is: give me pizza or give me death!), I just say “nah, I’m good,” because no piece of pizza or bread or candy is worth feeling like shit – and thinking like shit – the next day.

So, anyway, I miss hardly anything about pre-allergy life, except:

(1) Chinese food takeout

Because, it’s easy, delicious, cheap, open late, delivered late, great (but scientifically unproven) for preventing hangovers, salty and savory. And anyone who’s ever eaten a meal with me knows that the only thing I love more than telling stories is: salt.

I’ve yet to find a Chinese restaurant in Brooklyn with any rice-free, dairy-free, corn-free, gluten-free, refined-sugar-free stir fry options, BUT I have a recipe that takes less time to prep and cook than it takes Seamless to deliver anything to your fifth floor walk-up:

cauliflower stirfry

I give you: Didn’t-have-any-shrimp fried cauliflower rice (grain-free!)

Ingredients: (1) head of cauliflower, mushrooms (the cute white button ones or shiitake), shishito peppers*,  (1) onion, (1) bell pepper, (1-3) tbs. sesame seeds, gluten-free tamari sauce, sesame or olive oil and salt n’ peppa to taste.

Other ingredient ideas: peas, tofu, carrots, broccoli, water chestnuts or quinoa if you’re not feeling the grain-free-ness.

Directions: (1) ‘Rice’ up the cauliflower in a food processor, blender (or even a cheese grater). Once the cauliflower is in tiny pieces, you need to squeeze the extra water out of it, unless you want to make stir-fry cauliflower mush tonight. There are a few ways to do this:

(a) Spread the cauliflower out on a baking sheet and blot with a paper towel.

(b) Via Deliciously Ella: Put the rice into an almond milk bag or cheese cloth and squeeze all of the water into a bowl – this is WAY faster than option (a), but if you don’t have either of these tools you can still take the “scenic route” to cauliflower rice and blot it yourself.

(2) Now that you have your rice, all you have to do is stir fry up the veggies + oil for 5 minutes, toss in the rice + seeds for another 5, until everything is tender (I like my stir fry veggies a little crunchy, but do you!). I also add the tamari sauce in small increments and taste as I go, but figure you’ll need at least 2-4 tbs. of tamari in the recipe.

And, wallah! Who needs the white cartons, refined white rice and MSG when you can have stir fry cauliflower rice in 30 minutes? Tell me what you think.


** Don’t knock the shishitos until you try ’em – when shishitos are sauteed, they soak up all the delicious olive oil or sesame oil, which gives them tons of savory flavor.

anti recipe: chocolate olive oil cake cake cake

It’s not even my birthday…

I came back from yoga this afternoon and had one thing on my mind CAKE (and not the Rihanna kind of cake). As someone who is allergic to dairy, gluten, rice and avoids eggs and refined sugars, chocolate cake was something I thought was long gone outta my life.

That is, until I came across this recipe from Nigella Lawson for chocolate olive oil cake and my life will never be the same. The Worst Dinner Guest gets CAKE CAKE CAKE and here is how (recipe adapted to be refined sugar-free and egg-free from

Chocolate Olive Oil CAKE CAKE CAKE


– 2/3 cup extra virgin olive oil

– 6 tbs. cacao powder

– 1/2 cup boiling water

– 2 tsp. vanilla extract

– 1 1/2 cups almond flour (made from blendin’ up 2 cups of almonds in a Vitamix)

– 1/2 tsp. baking soda

– pinch o’ salt

– 1 cup maple syrup

– 3 tbs. ground chia seeds mixed with 9 tbs. of water

Directions: First make the chia eggs by grindin’ up the chia seeds in a coffee grinder or Vitamix. Then stir in water and set aside for 15 minutes. The chia seeds need to gel up before they can sneak through as egg impostors.


– Preheat the oven to 325 degrees (Fahrenheit) and grease up a springform tin with a little olive oil.

– Bowl #1: Mix together the boiling water and cacao until it forms this rich dark chocolatey goo, then add the vanilla.

– Bowl #2: Mix together the almond flour, baking soda and salt.

– Bowl #3 (biggest bowl): Whisk/beat the maple syrup, goo’ed up chia eggs and olive oil for a few minutes until it makes a pale looking whisked-up mush (I swear this is going to turn into a dope cake soon). Slowly add the chocolate mixture first and then the flour mixture until you have a batter that looks and tastes like chocolate cake (because it is chocolate cake)

– Pour the cake into the pan and bake for ~40-45 minutes, depending on how ooey gooey you dig your cake

And if you really want to make this sumbitch awesome (HIMYM fans are loling with me), top it off with this chocolate avocado fudge icing:


Chocolate Avo-Fudge ICE ICE Icing:


– 1 avocado

– 5-6 tbs. cacao powder

– 2-3 tbs. maple syrup

– optional: add a little melted dark chocolate if you notice it’s still a little avocado-ey tasting (or just use a little less than 1 avo’)

Directions: Blend. Done.

What do you think of this anti-recipe? Drop me a comment!


anti recipe: german mustard avocado endive salad

Sounds so weird, but it is SO good and good for you, especially in the winter. As the weather gets colder and we head deep into kapha season (wait, pause: ‘kapha’ is a term used in Ayurveda to describe a dosha characterized by winter, cold weather, slugishness, laziness and do-nothing-but-netflix-and-chill-ness.

2016-01-16 17.26.41.jpgThere are three doshas: kapha, pitta and vata. The idea is that everyone and everything is made up of a mixture of these doshas. When the doshas are balanced, we are healthy, energized and happy (you know that top o the world feeling). When the doshas get imbalanced, we get sick. Everyone has a dominant dosha, mine is kapha. So in winter/kapha season, it is easy for me to slip into an imbalance of kapha, which means: sluggishness, winter blues, difficulty waking up in the morning, feeling foggy, excess mucus (ew), and etc.)

Mustard is perfect for balancing kapha, because it’s pungent in taste and warming. So when I felt a little sluggish this AM, I whipped up this awesome salad to warm up my doshas and kick down that kapha spike. Check it out here:

Ingredients (serves one hungry person or two as an appetizer):

– 1 avocado

– 1/2 lemon

– 2 endives

– 1-2tbs. german mustard

– olive oil and salt/pepper to taste

Directions: Chop up the endive and avocado, add mustard and a little lemon/olive oil to start. Mix it around with a fork and make it as chunky or smooth as you want. Then top it off with salt and pepper and eat it right away!

Credits to my awesome mom/the OG of worst dinner guests for this awesome anti recipe!

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If you’re interested in learning more about Ayurveda, I recommend checking out this book by Michelle Fondin, The Wheel of Healing: An Easy Guide to an Ayurvedic Lifestyle. Fondin does a killer job of taking the best/least crazy lessons from an ancient healing system and applying them to eating, exercise, health, relationships, finance and spirituality.

If you want to be really freaked out but read one of the original books on Ayurveda, check out Vasant Lad’s Ayurveda: The Science of Self Healing: A Practical Guide for some really impractical Ayurvedic healing practices (like, uh, leaching and purging yourself). That said his book has full lists of kapha, pitta and vata healing/hurting foods that I reference frequently.

Let me know what you think! Now back to that Netflix binge…



anti recipe: raw pickles (garlic free!)

I have an intolerance to garlic, which makes eating at Italian restaurants a fun challenge. Upon hearing this, new friends’ reactions are always – “How do you live?! Garlic is in everything!”

My response is usually, “I don’t know, man, I guess I just don’t eat garlic…”

I always find these inquiries into my allergy-lifestyle amusing. If I had a dollar for every person that has heard wind of my allergies and reacted with…

“I could never… I would die!”

“How do you live?”

“But, wait, WHAT doe you eat?”

…I would be a millionaire (actually I should start charging). The thing is I don’t see my allergies as a barrier to life or a raw deal or the short end of the stick.

When we’re born, the genetic lottery shoots a lot of qualities into us – both good and bad. I have a bunch of allergies that are linked to my autoimmune condition (and the worst dinner guest was born!), but I also got a boatload of other good things. It’s what makes me – me. And, it’s what led me to explore a lifestyle that allows me to feel better than I ever have with my thyroid condition – by eating whole foods (and usually plant-based), exploring yoga, and living mindfully.

So to answer – I’m garlic-free and still kickin’ and now not even pickle-free thanks to this recipe (inspired by @rawmazing):


– 6 Kirby cucumbers (this made two jars of pickle spears, so figure 3-4 will get you a solid jar’s worth)

– 1 Sweet onion

– 1-2 tbs. Mustard seeds

– 1-2 tbs. Peppcorns

– 1-2 tbs. Salt

– Apple cider vinegar

– Water

– 1-2 Jars for picklin’


Directions: Add 1 tbs. of each spice to each jar – slice the cucs in vertical “spear” slices (tip: put all the spears into the jar at once or the spears will go rogue all over the jar and you can’t fit as many in) – chop up the sweet onion and stick it around the jar crevices, fill about 1/3-1/2 of the jar with vinegar (depending on how sour you dig your picks), then top the jar off with water (to the tippy top of the jar) – let it sit overnight – viola! I give thee raw pickles! – The internet says these puppies will stay fresh in the fridge for weeks, but mine will get scarfed up long before then.20160109_193316-1

Optional: Obvi you can swap in garlic for the sweet onion. Rawmazing’s recipe called for agave nectar to make the pickles slightly sweeter (though I opted for a more savory/sour version). I made 2 jars – and added thyme and hot pepper to one. Basically, you can’t go wrong by getting crafty with spices or sweetness – remember these are anti-recipes and are made to be broken!

Tell me what you think!



anti recipe: purple haze smoothie

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One Saturday morning, I found my self with a baby hangover and an impending already-booked noon hot power yoga class.

Like some girls purposely don’t shave their legs before going out (so they don’t, you know, doink with randos), I often sign up for early yoga classes on weekend mornings as incentive to get my ass into bed at a reasonable hour the night before.

Unfortunately for me and leg-shaving-diverters alike, that rarely ever actually happens – so there I was in need of an elixir. Instead of some hair of that dog, I blended up a dose of healthy fats, natural sugar, plant-based protein and antioxidants to kick my hangover and get me out the door!

Check out the recipe below:

Purple Haze Smoothie


– 2 dates

– Handful almonds

– 1 cup organic frozen cherries

– 1/2 cup cashew milk

– Vanilla (WDG seal of approval: I use Lafaza Madagascar bourbon ground vanilla not because I care about adding Bourbon or Madagascar to my smoothies, but because powdered vanilla is pure with no grain alcohol added. I only use liquid vanilla extract when I’m cooking at high temps.)

– Cinnamon

– Hemp seeds on top

Directions: Throw everything in, blend, top with hemps and enjoy the ride…

Dates + cherries make the purple and hemp makes the haze… get it?! Drop me a line if you don’t or if you tried it!

anti recipe: black bean, avocado, cilantro & shallot stuff

First and foremost, I am anti-recipe. Recipes require names/labels and imply that following the agreed upon guidelines of the recipe is normal, and diverting from that recipe is not normal (and therefore bad/wrong). For instance, in my corn-but-not-dairy-eating-days, every time I ordered nachos with no cheese, someone always questioned it. Unbeknownst to me, cheese is a necessary condition for nachos, and to diverge from this universal agreement about the requirements for nachos is cause for social outcry. Call me the recipe anarchist, but I believe there is something very limiting and confining about recipes.

Besides, recipes cater to the processed-food masses and recipe names often hide ingredients. Of course, gluten-free brownies aren’t going to taste as good as “regular” brownies, because the recipe for brownies requires flour. You are never going to be satisfied with a brownie made from gluten-free flour, because calling it a brownie in the first place implies that your gluten-free version of the brownie is second rate or diverging from the brownie norm. If we called gluten-free brownies “tasty rice flour, chocolate, egg and oil mushy stuff” and we called “regular” brownies “tasty wheat flour, chocolate, egg and oil mushy stuff,” we’d realize that one doesn’t taste better than the other. They’re just different kinds of treats with different tastes (and then maybe we’d recognize that variety is a good thing for our lives and our bodies).

The final argument of the recipe anarchist is that they’re fucking boring. I like to cook and try new combinations of tastes and ingredients, but I’m just not as satisfied with making gluten-dairy-corn-rice-butter-milk-egg-chocolate-and vegetable oil-free brownies (perhaps because after my special WDG modifications, my plate of brownies is an empty bowl with two tablespoons of water). Cooking AntiRecipes are fun, because you never know how they’ll turn out, so when you make some good shit, you have no one to congratulate but yourself (What now, Betty Crocker?).

AntiRecipe: Black bean, avocado, cilantro & shallot stuff


— 1 cup black beans

— 1 ‘cado

— cilantro

— tiny pieces of a little bit of shallot

— olive oil for drizzlin’

— salt & peps

Other shit: a bowl, spoon and 5 minutes.

Directions: Rinse it up, cut it up, mix it up, eat it up.