anti recipe: didn’t-have-any-shrimp fried cauliflower rice (grain-free!)

Things I don’t miss about pre-allergy life (or ‘pre-knowing about and accepting the allergies’ life)…:

(1) The stomach aches

(2) The body aches

(3) The headaches

(4) The (TMI) extreme swings between constipation and diarrhea

(5) The mood swings

(6) The bloating (face, belly, fingers, you name it)

And most of all:

(6) The selfishness (or stuck-in-my-head-ness)

Obviously, selfishness is not a physical or medically-proven symptom, but when you’re suffering from all of these symptoms almost everyday, it’s going to go to your head – All day I’m swinging between stressing out about what is happening to my body and analyzing every single thing I ate or did the day before and blaming it for how I feel today.

Then, of course, I’m also resenting every person I come across for either asking anything from me while I feel like shit or for her being able to eat anything and not feel like shit after. I’m not noticing my friend’s cute outfit or new hair do or asking about her hot date last night. I’m not engaging with my friends, telling stories or enjoying the moment. And anyone who knows me – in life or in blog – knows that I live for telling stories.

So, when people ask me how I possibly live on my diet or if I ever think it’s worth it to just eat that one piece of pizza (because it’s pizza and in America, the philosophy is: give me pizza or give me death!), I just say “nah, I’m good,” because no piece of pizza or bread or candy is worth feeling like shit – and thinking like shit – the next day.

So, anyway, I miss hardly anything about pre-allergy life, except:

(1) Chinese food takeout

Because, it’s easy, delicious, cheap, open late, delivered late, great (but scientifically unproven) for preventing hangovers, salty and savory. And anyone who’s ever eaten a meal with me knows that the only thing I love more than telling stories is: salt.

I’ve yet to find a Chinese restaurant in Brooklyn with any rice-free, dairy-free, corn-free, gluten-free, refined-sugar-free stir fry options, BUT I have a recipe that takes less time to prep and cook than it takes Seamless to deliver anything to your fifth floor walk-up:

cauliflower stirfry

I give you: Didn’t-have-any-shrimp fried cauliflower rice (grain-free!)

Ingredients: (1) head of cauliflower, mushrooms (the cute white button ones or shiitake), shishito peppers*,  (1) onion, (1) bell pepper, (1-3) tbs. sesame seeds, gluten-free tamari sauce, sesame or olive oil and salt n’ peppa to taste.

Other ingredient ideas: peas, tofu, carrots, broccoli, water chestnuts or quinoa if you’re not feeling the grain-free-ness.

Directions: (1) ‘Rice’ up the cauliflower in a food processor, blender (or even a cheese grater). Once the cauliflower is in tiny pieces, you need to squeeze the extra water out of it, unless you want to make stir-fry cauliflower mush tonight. There are a few ways to do this:

(a) Spread the cauliflower out on a baking sheet and blot with a paper towel.

(b) Via Deliciously Ella: Put the rice into an almond milk bag or cheese cloth and squeeze all of the water into a bowl – this is WAY faster than option (a), but if you don’t have either of these tools you can still take the “scenic route” to cauliflower rice and blot it yourself.

(2) Now that you have your rice, all you have to do is stir fry up the veggies + oil for 5 minutes, toss in the rice + seeds for another 5, until everything is tender (I like my stir fry veggies a little crunchy, but do you!). I also add the tamari sauce in small increments and taste as I go, but figure you’ll need at least 2-4 tbs. of tamari in the recipe.

And, wallah! Who needs the white cartons, refined white rice and MSG when you can have stir fry cauliflower rice in 30 minutes? Tell me what you think.


** Don’t knock the shishitos until you try ’em – when shishitos are sauteed, they soak up all the delicious olive oil or sesame oil, which gives them tons of savory flavor.


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